Monday, September 08, 2008

OLD MOVIES

OK, all you people who subscribe to my YouTube Channel, I've finally put some new stuff up there. I just uploaded a bunch of my old teenage movies. All of these were done on Super 8 film (not video, kids!) around 1979-1980 when I was 15 and 16 years old. The film was silent. The music was dubbed on ten years or so later when I transfered them to video (God, even the video transfers are ancient!). I was the director of all of these masterpieces, although I didn't understand what a director was at the time and thus gave everyone else credit.

My friends and I would get together in the morning and make a vague plan of what the movie was gonna be. Then we'd go out and shoot it. There was no editing because, even though I knew how to edit and had a film editing machine, I was also lazy. Plus it was more fun the way we did it. When we needed a special effects scene I just told the actors to wait and did some "animation" with various toys and models. When the indicator showed we were almost out of film we'd make up an ending.

Here they are:

BUCK LAZERBREATH AND ROCKY COSMIC DISORDERS ON THE PLANET OF THE DINOSAURS



Note the impressive dinosaur animation effects influenced by the work of Ray Harryhausen and Willis O'Brien!

BUCK LAZERBREATH AND ROCKY COSMIC DISORDERS MEET THE SPACE NAZIS



I apologize to anyone who is offended by the Space Rabbi and his Bar Mitzvah gun. We were teenagers in WASP-y Wadsworth, Ohio. What did we know? Don't miss my cameo as the guy who hands Rocky the Instant Space Rabbi potion!

AIRPLANE 1979



This parody of the "Airport" films was done long before the movie "Airplane!" So there! I should sue. Sorry you can't read the title cards. They were blurry to begin with and YouTube compressed them to nothingness. Note the magnificent special effects inspired by the work of Irwin Allen!

IKO MAN AND STUD MAN MEET THE EVIL DOCTOR CHAIN REACTION



I didn't know anything about lighting. This was shot on a typical overcast Ohio day and, as a result, it's hard to see what's going on in a good deal of the film. I've tried to correct this a little.

INVASION OF THE JANITOR PEOPLE



This is the only one of our films with an actual girl in it. Tim Brown knew one and got her to appear. God we were a bunch of nerds! Note my small role as the scientist who comes up with a way to defeat the Janitor People.

VOYAGE TO THE OUTER SPACE TREK



My friend Dale Houston and I were the only ones available the day we did this one. So we each operated the camera when the other one was on screen. Note the amazing special effects influenced by the work of Douglas Trumball and John Dykstra. The control panel on the space ship is actually my effects board from my guitar and a Korg synthesizer.

DIMENTIA 13 "WE ARE"



This has nothing to do with the other films. It's my band Dimentia 13 on a public access cable show in Chicago in 1988 called The Friday Club. The song is from our debut album released by Midnight Records in 1985 or '86 ("our" is a misnomer since I played all instruments on that record). Note the dates all you other bands called Dimentia 13 and Dementia 13! (I once had an e-mail exchange with the leader of one of the other Dimentia 13's who told me Francis Ford Copola, director of the film Dementia 13, contacted him because he'd heard about his band. No, he'd heard about my band. We were the ones with 5 albums out, dude.) That shirt was made of polyester and felt awful to wear. That's my real hair, although I didn't usually tease it up like that.

Have fun watching!

126 comments:

the counter said...

friggin' awesome !!!

michael bardan said...

Bow Down to your Teacher!

& if he trusts you, please beg him to stick with this type of teaching, not the death by boredom stuff of zen books.

mB)

Flor de Nopal Sangha said...

Pretty bad ass guitar jam.

francis ford coppola said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
grisom said...

That Dimentia 13 clip was, like, the best thing ever. You should dress like that more often.

SDSU foundation said...

None of us here are Asimov's Mule, but we'd be willing to pitch in for a movie AND donate free students from the Film School if Michael Bardan and Brad Warner would burry the Zen Axe (in Hollywood's Ass), produce all their movies in Bollywood, and promise NO MORE FUCKING BAD LANGUAGE, CLEAN UP MICHAEL'S MOUTH WITH HOLY WATER, WE BEG FOR MERCY!

Anonymous said...

But Brad isn't even interested in forming a Sangha, why would he be interested in founding a Movie Making company?

Plus Pixar and Dreamworks are already trademarked, no other name can succeed in this Palestinian Dominated Industry.

20CRM RECORDS said...

we give a shit about bollywood!

chairman bill gates' former company speaks romanian, assholes!

fuck you, larry!

pitch black said...

we knew vin diesel before he had "got milk" success.

also, kristin cavallari will work for food and we heard her dad sits with michael bardan, although they NEVER talk.

Hairy Harry said...

Listen, man, is this or is it not Dogen Royalty?

I clearly can't see.

These assfucks are fucking with my fucking heritage.

Four leaves of lucky that thing that has 3 leaves normally, I'm gonna write them a script, only produce it and shoot it, I beg you, Mr. Farrell.

Brass Irish Ball:Z

the grammar nazi said...

Bury!

Learn to spell, dear SDSU EMC graduate!

Before you raise $50 million on a napkin.

EMC^2

smoggybob (c)-wordle.schmordle said...

quickly, shit, we have no pen and no napkin!

SURF'S UP, THO!

jeronimoooooooooooooooooooooooo

Anonymous said...

i wonder if someone bookmarks this comments section and puts it on eBay like that guy who put Romania up for sale on eBay back in the day would be able to raise enough money for an initial pre-angel round.

you know, proof of concept.

that it's Royalty.

involved.

and shit.

and they have STAYING SOOPAPAWAR:Z!

because like, they can SIT SESSHIN and SHIT.

you know?

hmmm, hmmm, hmmmmmmmm?

qbitty said...

michael bardan's resume:

he sits & shits.

in private life he has been hospitalized in various world famous mental wards and once he jerked off on the metal door that had him "locked" in isolation room at San Luis Obispo State Mental Hospital. [you should see that movie on surveillance video]

in professional life, his accomplishments are hiring 2 people.

both of them still work at johnson controls, one at their center of excellence in simi valley (where king rodney was tried) and one in beijing, china (where he settled down after travelling the world over in various finance & auditing responsibilities).

in other words, his intution is good when it comes to picking people with staying power and know how to get things done.

he has an msba in management and entrepreneurship from a top 25 graduate business school in the nation, is 1 degree of separation from every worth his salt venture vulture in sandy eggo and largely doesn't give a shit about money whatsoever.

he swears a lot.

FUCK YOU!

qbitty said...

ps: when he couldn't warm up the cement floor any longer using a lousy anuttarayoga tantra technique taught at bardan gompa in zanskar by dalai lama monkeys, he ate his own sperm.

pps: don't fuck with him! other than that, he's born in 1970, a dog, they say those are loyal creatures by design.

whatever, i'm a cat and i taught him everything he knows.

the grammar nazi said...

intuit(c)[turbotax]ion(c)[caltech plasma lab]

intution?

brought to you by tuti frutti and maradonna's Golden Middle Finger!

fark.com headline news said...

venereals brad warner and michael bardan are rumored to own copyrights to letter O (they being part of zen circle and shit).

google and yahoo surrender!

the US government starts printing new AMERO.

bradzilla and mikey bee sue for 1 o, not 2.

still, earth surrenders.

govern8or says: hasta la vista salvation 2oo9!

govern8r said...

fuck the grammar nazi, i surrender too.

oops, sorry, gvrn8tr said...

shit, oops, fuck!

inescapable Dharma!

karmascalzone,
mB)

george "funny monkey" walker "harder" bush said...

can i intern with you guys, once they throw my ass into the street come january 20th?

master counter said...

blackjack!

Anonymous said...

methinks michael bardan san needs to clean the sand out of his vagina.

seriously dude, relax. no one is getting out alive.

:)

michael bardan said...

somebody commanded me to watch "man on wire" at the landmark small release theater. thank you.

he crossed 8 times (to break through alaya) and slept like jesus on the cross three quarters up the wire.

it is pathetic that a FRENCHMAN needs to remind us of the american spirit.

and a fucking mental romanian.

jim moore, go shoot yourself!

anonymous(E) said...

my point exactly mikaru bardan san...

step away from the blog!!!

anonymous(e) said...

:)

anonymous(e) said...

...or is this how we attract more readers to our own blogs, by trolling on other peoples logs?
stir up a little shit...yes, i get it! not a bad idea.....

fucking brilliant!

mwa-hahahaha!!!

Anonymous said...

excuse me sensei warner, your last two posts have been absolutely delightful to read and view. Can hardly wait for the next installment in Enlightenment 101 ;)

Anonymous said...

why am i still awake at 1:04 in the A.M. ?

Anonymous said...

note to self: lay off the crack-rock

anonymous(e) said...

now stepping away from the blog.

waka waka!

yaza v meridian said...

it's always 5 pm in dublin!

miiake & quentin said...

may we please?

michael phelps said...

i have $40 million to my name and my practice still doesn't include tantric sex.

also, i read on a blog that 5 minutes of zazen in the morning and 5 minutes of zazen in the evening makes you swim like shamoo.

note to self: lay off mommy!

superman said...

i'ma still asshole.

where's michael j fox when you need a shaking me to the core back to the past movie?

oh, wait, they'll fix him with stem cell research!

okay, mikey, good luck raising them research money for asshole selfish reasons. let us know how it goes.

u want me 2 said...

bush says shifting iraq troops to afghanistan is called pulling out of iraq.

make war not love said...

we remain lysdexic since 1960 when john lennon couldn't get his dick up with a viagra pill anymore.

i see blue skies, but my iron dick still won't give my wife an orgasm.

why, dr. phil, why oh why?

dr. phil v oprah said...

we're just tv personalities within the matrix, we don't exist IRL on blogs nor in the words we say, the matrix scripted it all.

the coen bros said...

what is the matrix?

[i,i] within {bradzilla,bardanilla}

isomorphic transformation within a lobachewski sphere at coordinates (o, o, o)

i(maginary) number surrenders.

radical negative one now equals not 1, not 2!

dr. antoanella bardan said...

i am still raping his last name and i am bart's butler now.

i'm scared.

someone impersonated me on a blog.

judge judy?

judge judy said...

get a real JOB, honey!

try curing pimples in bronx for a change!

Anonymous said...

how much is the eBay bid now for the movie "Love Malpractice" (zTM)

???

the script is in my fucking head.

woody allen said...

can i be you?

michael bardan (impersonated) said...

can i fuck your underage daughter?

coup de grace said...

once per day per proulx translator, plz.

michael bardan (retraction) said...

correction: i am a movie!

or 871032847103294712093847 of them.

pick your chiliocosm and put it all on blue.

what, never played roulette in 4D yet?

kevin spacey and his harvard math casino team surrender.

casino movie surrenders too.

movie within movie within matrix within you said...

i didn't do it!

Rich said...

i testify under oath: this guy is crazy. feed him cadmium this round. lithium worked on him like horse tranquilizer on killer whale.

atman, get off the motherfucking elephant and take the motherfucking elephant off my turtle's dick.

i'm an iguana sitting in a lotus.

open the goddam door, hal!

oracle linux said...

fuck you, larry!

dr. jill vessey said...

hey, if you're up in wyoming, look me up on one night stand craigslist, but please have a dick big enough to reach my cervix!

Anonymous said...

when we're done with you two, our dicks are gonna hopefully finally reach all the way to your brain:z!

-lovemalpracticemoviedotcom or something.

schadenfreude practice said...

we surrender. 2any1.

translation said...

where math still matters:

radical = square root

images.google.com said...

we are zen.

new confused blog reader said...

I'm sorry, Ven. Brad Warner, but is this post about Old Movies or New?

Can we please stay on topic?

And limit posts to 25 words or less?

And please watch your language, kids under age of 2 might read this.

And and can we please lay off the sarcasm? Cynicism? Who needs it in this day of positive CHANGE?

Sincerely,
Helen Keller

55 said...

58 !!!

medical malpractice said...

ant and jill went up a "fat head" hill
where they fed mikey a red pill.

instead of a flu, he spent 6 years in psychiatric hell misdiagnosed bipolar.

NOT A SCRIPT FOR MATRIX IV SEQUEL.

kokopelli inn said...

& here you thought we got you high on red rocks and brilliant sunrise after torrential thunderstormy night for nothing!

jordy, how's that flute blowing going?

any relation with jordan is imaginary, as you were, soldier!

the grammar nazi said...

58 !!!

mu for ju said...

/see you in sesshin hell waka-waka

^bell
^bell
^bell
^bell

kinhin break said...

mikey bee and braddy godzilla star in...

"running around in hexagon:z"

scripted, produced, directed, and acted by generation me me me in association with infinite trifecta films within teh z?tl context.

zTM said...

start your (c)-cartoon drawings and mug licensing business now!

a.a.attanasio said...

i need to fukken sit down with youse guy:z!

qbitty said...

you stupid fuck, can't you see we're walking now? & stop talking, fervirginmaryssakes, we don't move during zazen!

new confused blog reader said...

excuse me teacher but can we fart during kinhin or swallow during zazen?

braddy godzilla said...

it depends whether you're fast enough to light a flame to your fart AND shit before you end swallowing!

mikey bee said...

would you like to see my real keisaku?

not the $1.50 we use at hill street?

qbitty said...

/kinhin break surrender:z!

bell, bell, bell, bell,
bell, bell, bell, bell.

fuck soto and rinzai rituals, we just fukken hit the bell by surprise and don't tell you after how many you're supposed to NOT MOVE.

if you move after the critical bell, see above!

al gore said...

Guys, just go to fark.tv right now, they have a special titled:

Killer bee faints, dies of shock in pool.

In an unrelated onion.com story:

Godzilla seen throwing life jacket out Empire State Building.

I'm too stupid to use the Internet, sorry, but I invented it.

So much was true.

The climate change bullshit I whore around the country to make money: BULLSHIT.

However, Clinton's $58 million in royalty fees for speaking to morons, priceless.

Another rumor: Isaac Asimov never had to have notes during any of his monumental speeches.

Nor did Michael Bardan.

Brad Warner says: It's all Lies! Beyond that, no comment! Ask NASA.

nasa said...

we are fucked.

michael bardan starring in "el prezidente" means the space program money goes into artificial honey bee making, because the bees have surrendered on jan 17, 2oo1 when "love malpractice" movie started filming at a descartes theater near you, but were too stupid to notice!

new confused blog reader said...

excuse me teacher, but do you spell it were or we're? i'm sorry, i'm too in a hurry to sit my ass down and stop moving after your 58th bell and i just THOUGHT of this 2 ask.

ps: please don't kill me.

Anonymous said...

ok. next question.

same new confused blog reader said...

but, no, i meant...

same same new confused blog reader said...

but i don't underRstand!

Anonymous said...

that is why you're better off if you ask sitted!

2oo9 said...

ants and bees surrender, then make up, then surrender again, then make up, then kill each other, then make up, then godzilla stomps on both, then everybody dies.

another good movie made by the same stupid zen guys who are stupider than borat and coen brothers put together and neither of them are jewish!

the jewish nation said...

fuck sarah palin!

fine.

okay.

we'll take $1 and we'll all move to alaska.

problem solved.

the holocaust was fake.

we're still here, neh?

by definition, if it would have been holocaust, we wouldn't be here NOW now, would we?

we're not as smart as we think we are either!

fuck everybody except us.

whatever.

new confused seinfeld said...

that wasn't funny!

new sober kramer said...

fukken kraut!

dr dre said...

sippin' on gin and juice, i heard under sarah palin, they'll make me donna shalala.

rice rockets everywhere, ENGAGE HEMP ENGINES!

isaac asimov said...

turning in grave, i say unto you, for these guys, i will leave a will in a bottle at the ocean where it'll say THEY can make the Foundation series into movies.

stephen spielberg said...

i resign.

michael bardan said...

/zazen period 0ff

/work practice: engage!

Brad said...

I stopped in here to see people's opinions on the movies. But did anyone watch them?

Anyone?

...Ah whatever. We had fun making them.

trio said...

who the fuck are YOU, impostor?

google "ani jinzang" said...

it's all michael bardan and he's a maniac and a psychopatic axe wielding murderous bastard.

lock him up before he assplode:z!

psychopathological axon said...

kaiser sose is nothing compared to michael clayton sequel.

the swiss watch said...

carry on, stevie ray vaughan's tick-tock rendition does not apply here, no 1 dies on my watch type of thing!

higg:z bozon said...

88 !!!

happy birthday brad and mike holding asses in old age pic...

translation said...

brad is on the left because he has lipstick and his bald head is a dick.

further translation said...

brad's brain meter is balanced

mike's registers nothing.

neo in the earth stood still AGAIN said...

it may be a particle, it may be a wave, but one thing is certain:

i too surrender!

matrix trilogy theory revised said...

!

bardan.com said...

i don't use rss feed.

hit refresh.

dsm v said...

if the higgs exists lhc will detect it,

so the chief psychiatrist at harvard can medicate it!

courtesy cutNpaste for ADHD kid said...

A La Mesa psychotherapist surrendered her counseling license amid allegations that she coerced an 8-year-old rape victim into falsely identifying her

From the San Diego Union-Tribune of March 21, 1996, via FatherMag.com

A La Mesa psychotherapist facing state disciplinary hearings has surrendered her counseling license amid allegations that she coerced an 8-year-old rape victim into falsely identifying her father as the attacker. Kathleen King Goodfriend was accused by government regulators of being "grossly negligent or incompetent" in her treatment of the child, Alicia Wade.

The California Board of Behavioral Science Examiners said that "pressure" by Goodfriend over a period of 13 months finally led the girl to falsely accuse her father.

As a result, her father, James Wade was arrested, charged and faced 16 years in prison. Alicia was nearly placed for adoption. Alicia's mother, Denise Wade attempted suicide. Authorities overlooked DNA evidence which proved the father had not assaulted his daughter and disregarded a suspect already convicted of attacking other girls in the neighborhood.

off topic alert said...

can we please talk about the precepts? purty pleeze? whose blog is this? the writer or the commentator?

any1?

michael bardan said...

!!!! I AM A VICTIM OF SYSTEMATIC, PREMEDITATED RAPE THAT WENT ON FOR 6 YEARS !!!!

Can I convince anyone in the world to believe me?

NO.

Why?

Because I'm a man?

NO.

Because I am bipolar.

Earth (bipolar as well) surrenders!

michael bardan said...

i'll go do some yaza now, so i can let them get away with with.

all of them.

the grammar nazi said...

with IT!

perfect score said...

100 !!!

adhd movie making 1o1 said...

brad wanna be lazerbuck coz bardan says he'd liek figure out more mute lines appropriate with that other one lemme scroll and window-X new okay the cosmic disorderly 1, right?

i mean permutations of N combinatorially factored into the family guy star war:z intro should say all this is happenin' in a galaxy so fukken far away that it's like herenow, neh?

anyhoo, are you a micromanagerial controlled bastard or is authority directly proportional with responsibility in your LLC?

i'm not really that interested in movie production, but i can bankroll it once i'm done dismantling the pharma conglomerate.

or was it lysdexically the other way around.

to whom it may concern: better kill me now!

ad astra per aspera said...

either that or another 1 bites the dust.

viet'kong psa said...

us citizens can no longer adopt our children.

brangelina distraught!

proulx michel said...

scheisse, jeder esel wo er kannt, schreibt sich seinen namen an.

da, da, da,
ich liebe dich,
du liebst mich nicht!

brad said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
increasingly dirty campaigning said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
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108th petal said...

i did my good did for today and registered lovemalpractice.info for $1.98 for a year.

dermline.com is available for free to first one who contacts me before it expires.

however, dr. antoanella bardan has first dibs to it, so hang in there until she politely declines.

voopla.org in full production. apparently voopla means valor in some stupid language.

jodie foster said...

3. contact.

angelina jolie said...

2. wanted: michael bardan for sperm donor.

madonna said...

1. i'm cummin to sandy eggo for 1 night stand!

britney spear:z said...

0. fuck! can i be on waiting list for sexual toxic healing?

mariah carey said...

-1. It's a trap!

the real mariah carey said...

michael bardan is a puppet account.

but in reality he makes me scream every time i run into jay zee!

rumor mill said...

doctor dre is also a priest! he can marry you if blow your brain:z off isn't enough, shortie!

michael bardan moved to a new hill.

upon further investigation (google and shit) yahoo says his new address is:

One Bigg Dogg Alley,
Dogg Pound, CA 92037

can someone confirm snoop dogg is right on the next hill as you take a right and curve a bit to the left?

anyway, guys, someone also found a link to evidence that his accounts are all puppets, but his yahoo profile has been true since 1997.

also bardan dot com is registered since 5/8/1996 before al gore invented the internet.

i can only conclude this: wow.

just wow.

& more wow.

wow,
wow.

spooked out new unsuspecting blog zennie said...

757 is bad omen.

don't fly it above LHC@CERN tomorrow, please.

*yawn* said...

drink a glass of hot milk & you be sleepin' it 0ff like a bay-bay.

i wake you up in the morning and don't worry, that 2nd sun in the sky today was just the moon anxious to see the tide:z tomorro!

energizer bunny said...

i surrender.

duracell said...

good!

Anonymous said...

try intuitive youboob/google any1 at 9:11 pm and shit your pants!

whitehouseblackmarket.com said...

chokenshit
crossed the street
who knew?

michael bardan said...

some chickenshit removed 2 of my petal:z?

whatevah, godzillah or not, these are not bell:z you hear for your wedding, nor for your funeral, HOWEVER you WILL hear for your conscious dying.

by conscious dying, i mean practice and yeh shall at least have a whiff of dying. otherwise it'll come and go without your even noticing.

which is exactly what happens with everything else you perceive when you're a retarded zombie, but fret not, that too is as it should be, however nishijima says it should be.

/zazen clappers 0n, fibonacci style!

1. bell
2. bell
3. bellll
4. belllllllll

qbitty said...

/kinhin practice

1. get cat.

2. follow it around the house.

3. skin cat every which way, like schroedinger.

michael bardan said...

/zazen clappers 0ff

/work practice: click my blogger photo, view full size (with Windows Photo Gallery (default)), put your mouse cursor on the zoom button bottom left, when the slide pops up, grab it vigorously and zoom it all the way out then all the way back in. do that hysterically faster and faster and see how it makes you feel.

then imagine doing that while dashing out for your door and go the hell out there and have some fun in the woods by the river of life somewhere.

remember: you never step foot in the same river twice and you can always return home as long as you understand home is somewhere you've never been before.

i won't be around for a while, but you may see me sitting at hill street with braddy-chan once in a blue moon if you're lucky.

you know where to find me, if you need anything.

sodeska,
mB)

PS: lemme guess, you use linux and can't zoom the way i do? yet another reason to switch the the all-around superior OS, window:z vista!-)

PPS: fuck you, larry!

Harry said...

Brad,

I found the movies a little far-fetched.

Furthermore the fight scene between the small man and unfortunate animal in the first piece was gratuitous in the extreme and I question your publishing such filth to your site when you know full well that impressionable young Buddhists of impeccable virtue (such as Bhikkhu Bardan) visit here regularly.

Please take your audio visual tantrism to a cheap motel and leave us here to quietly discuss the finer points of our gentle and peaceful faith.

Regards,

V. Disappointed.

Anonymous said...

Whatever happened to Nishijima's posts? I usually read his blog as much as this one.